Tags

, , ,

“There is one pain I often feel, which you will never know. It is caused by the absence of you.”

I have been searching for the author of this quote. I have found several attached to it but in the end it all means the same. It’s something I often feel. I had the wind knocked out of me earlier today. I was not struck physically but the result was the same, the loss of air. I saw you today. And…I have seen you in passing but it was nothing like today. I had just left from a friends house and decided to go to the store for a few things. I pulled into the parking lot and headed up front. When I got there I had to wait for a few cars to pass in order for me to turn. As I pulled up to the stop sign I saw a couple people coming out. I stopped to let them pass and I froze. It was you, son. It felt as though someone had socked me in the gut. I couldn’t breathe and all I could do was stare. I was stuck in slow motion as you and your mother walked passed me. I saw some of myself in you at that age. Your walk is all me and as I caught my breath your mother turned her head at my direction. I quickly hid my face and continued on.

I parked a couple rows down. I sat there for a moment fighting back my tears. I was overwhelmed with emotion and my heart pounded against my chest. I looked into my side mirror and I could actually see you standing by your van. I took a deep breath, got out of my car and made my way to the entrance of the store. As I got close to the entrance I turned and saw you running with a cart. I wanted to run and meet up with you and tell you,

“Hey, can I get that cart from you?”

I would have respected your mother’s wishes. I would have kept silent as to who I really am. It would have meant the world to me to just hear your voice and interact with you. Instead I held back and simply watched you put the cart away. You ran back and I had to chuckle because you run just like me. I fought back my tears once again and walked into the store. The moment was short but I’ll never forget it. You were so close to me. I wanted to say hello, I wanted to beep…I wanted to do anything just to make you turn and look at me. Maybe you would somehow recognize me after all these years. I have to admit that when I saw you today it was like seeing you for the first time. You took my breath away when you were born and you did the same 12 years later. When we finally speak, I will be able to tell you everything I have been wanting to tell you. Until then…maybe you’ll stumble upon this. Maybe you will find it interesting and moving. Maybe…just maybe you’ll be able to connect the dots. Maybe…until that day Richie.

Advertisements