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Everyone has a fear of something. Some people fear water, some fear flying, some fear clowns (i don’t like them), and some fear spiders. Now, I’m not exactly afraid of spiders but if they catch me off guard you better believe I’m going to destroy it. This story is from several years ago when I lived in Florida. For some reason the insects and creepy crawlies are huge over there! I’m not kidding here. They seem to be mutated or something. It’s no wonder the elderly flee to Florida. Whatever is in the water it helps the elderly live for many years and the insects and such grow large enough to really scare the shit out of someone.

So several years ago my now wife and I were getting ready for bed and I went to use the bathroom. I did my business and sat in deep thought. As I sat thinking about whatever the hell it was I was thinking about, I saw something move to the left of me. When I turned I saw a huge ass wolf spider. This thing was pissed for some reason and I only say this because of how it looked. Do you remember Thing from the Addams Family? If not, it was the freaky hand that was always moving around and causing havoc. The spider moved up and down like Thing and as if it was prepping itself to jump. I stared at it for a moment and then jumped up and ran my ass out of the bathroom. Um…oh yeah and if you’re wondering, I did wipe so quit thinking about it. Anyway, I was freaked out over the huge ass spider so I went to get some reinforcements.

During that time I had a calico cat named “Lico”. I figured that if anyone could destroy it, and it be fun to watch, it would be Lico. I picked up my cat and went to the doorway of the bathroom. Lico immediately spotted the spider and was hissing at it. I let her go and she jumped toward it. I swear to all that is holy that this spider was the Neo of spiders. As Lico made her jump the spider jumped out of the way. I saw this shit in slow motion and my jaw dropped. Lico’s ass fell into the tub and hissed but ran right out of the bathroom. I stared at the spider and it stared back. It took off but was on the wall climbing up and toward me. I knew it was pissed and I split to get something to destroy it with. Out of everything I could have used my dumb ass decided to put two tube socks together and stretch it out so that it would have a ball at the end and I could swing it around like a Mace.

I went back to the bathroom and looked around but I couldn’t see it. I looked up and there it was chilling over the doorway. I about pooed myself and began swinging wildly. After several hits I figured I got it but when I looked in the spider had moved and fled into a vent that had been left open. I couldn’t breathe, mostly because I have asthma and the battle winded me, but I felt that I made my point and maybe it would stay gone. A week later the jerk showed it’s face again! I was sitting on my brothers bed watching the Simpsons when I felt something brush up against my hand. I looked down and there it was next to me. I freaked out and before it could jump I punched the shit out of it. It exploded when my fist made contact and its insides splattered me. I won and I was happy as hell but then I thought,

“Damn! What if this poor fool was just trying to say hello? Salutations or some crap like that?”

Oh well, it was not Charlotte so I handled it. In the end it was smart and fast but not fast enough. Let this be a warning to all of you wolf spiders who might be reading this entry. Don’t mess with me! I’m a Mexican, not a Mexican’t!

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