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Here’s a double hit from Jabber Log today and this story includes an EPIC FAIL. I have done a lot of stupid things in my past and apparently it started early. I believe I was about seven or eight when one of my first FAIL moments occurred. I was with my family at my cousins house for dinner and my mom, who is a hair stylist, was cutting and coloring everyone’s hair. All of the kids were outside running around in the yard and playing and my cousins Mary Beth and Amanda busted out some jawbreakers they had. I wanted to be cool like them and enjoy the wonders of a sweet jawbreaker but they only had enough for themselves. I was jealous and before we ran around again my cousins went inside and put their jawbreakers in the refrigerator. I believe that by doing this it would preserve any freshness left within the candy.

So we started playing again and when I had a chance I ran in and snatched one of the jawbreakers they put in the fridge. I know it’s gross to think I was munching on a used jawbreaker but I didn’t care. As with every lesson I have learned, I learned the hard way. I had the jawbreaker in my mouth and I was running around not thinking about the consequences of my actions. We were playing tag and I was it but when I stopped to turn around and chase my cousins the jawbreaker slipped back and I started choking. I remember the panic and horror of choking and not being able to breathe. I ran to where my mom was and she freaked which in turn made me freak worse than before. She yelled for my aunt to call 911 and my mom started the Heimlich. Between her harsh thrusts and my choking it was hard to judge which was better for me. I mean, what would you rather have? Suffocation from a jawbreaker your dumbass stole in a fit of jealousy or your mother slamming the hell out of your insides causing internal bleeding? Being the age I was at that time I had to simply take it and thank the lord because it came up and out. Afterward I was interrogated and shamed when I said where I got the jawbreaker and in Spanish I heard the equivalent of, “That’ll learn ya”.

It’s funny yes but the FAIL didn’t end there. After my shock and awe and near death experience I apologized to my mom and my cousins and we went back to play in the yard. The grass was rather high but we played in it anyway. We were having fun until I happened to feel the side of my neck and it felt like something hard was sticking out of my neck. I picked at it a little and freaked out. I ran to my mom to show her what it was and she screamed that it was a Tick. Now I didn’t know what a Tick was but from the reactions of not only my mother but the rest of my family I knew it was bad. I remember jumping up and down as if to do the pee-pee dance because I was in a panic and my mom was trying to pull it out and I remember it hurting so bad. The little bastard of a Tick would not come out and finally my grandmother pulled me toward her and with her Dragon nails, she dug deep into the side of my neck and ripped it out. The blood spurt out and I cried in agony.

What an effen day I had back then. I was so young yet I deserved everything I got for being a punk of a kid. I suppose it was just a little taste and warning to show me what might happen if I step out of line, but did I learn? Hell no! It’s just another chapter within my book of FAIL!

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