How many of you golf? How many of you are excellent golfers? Well, let me tell you something; I’m neither. I have golfed once and not only was it fun but I completely sucked at it. I didn’t think it was going to be that hard but I still had fun. I mean, I really had fun. What started out as a friendly round of golf, turned into one hilarious event. It was a couple years ago and I had been invited to a bachelor party for a friend of mine from Holland. There was a large group of us and it had been decided that we play 18 holes of golf. Now I had never played a round in my life. I had always wanted to but never had the chance so when this came up I was pretty nervous. We started around noon and I was paired with a good friend of mine who I will call Geddy. All groups contained four players and we were second to the last to begin our game.
As I stated before I was pretty nervous and when it was my turn I had to ask how to swing. I had no clue and felt like a fool. After a couple practice swings I went for it. Boy was I happy! I swung and heard the sound of impact as I connected. I looked for my ball in the air but what I quickly realized was that the sound of impact was from somewhere else. I looked down and there it was, all by its lonesome and laughing at my misfortune. I had completely wiffed it and I am sure that if there had been a fire close by, the air from my swing would have put it out. My swings remained awkward but I didn’t care. We were allowed to bring our own alcohol so it made it even more fun and there was no room to care about my golf swing. Throughout our game the last group of guys who were with our party kept catching up to us. At one point there were eight of us attempting to make a shot at once and when you combine that with alcohol it makes for a good time but it pisses the other players off. One of the guys hopped on top of a golf cart and was holding on for dear life while the driver went over a hill “Jackass” style.
We were between the 15th and 16th hole when the guys in back of us pulled up and nailed the back of our cart. The guy who had previously been riding on top of the golf cart was now reaching forward to untie our golf bags to make them fall. We were laughing at his attempts and his driver slammed on the brakes and we continued with the other guy holding on to the back and his legs were dragging on the path. He yelled for us to stop and when we did he fell over, gasping for air, slightly wet from peeing himself and saying he was fine. The only thing Geddy and I could say was,
“Glad you enjoyed yourself at my expense.”, our friend replied.
It was an all around good time and we had been there all day. My first experience golfing was outstanding but some people were getting fed up and annoyed with us. When we got to the 16th hole the last group decided to jump ahead of us. As they made their way to the 17th hole, two older gentlemen pulled up behind us. Out of no where another guy pulled up and started yelling.
“You need to get moving you here me?”
“And who the hell are you,” asked Geddy.
“I’m the golf course ranger (GCR) now move it!”
Our group began to laugh. I had no idea that there was such a thing as a GCR and it was hard to take him seriously since he was about to stock the vending machine with pop and snacks. He was dressed like a hall monitor and tan as can be. Picture a hot dog in the microwave after one minute. It’s stiff, split open, and looks burnt and wrinkled. You can’t get more tan or wrinkled than that. So we played ball and told him that we would hurry and GCR moved ahead to the 17th hole. I had just taken my shot when I heard the two fools in back of us talking smack. Geddy and I turned and stared them down a bit and I turned back in time to hear the beginning of an argument.
“Don’t you ever talk to me like that!”, yelled one of the members of our group.
GCR had said something to the group ahead of us and it was getting ugly. The guys in back of us hopped in their golf cart and split to help GCR. I looked at Geddy and I told him that we should go and help our group. We were laughing and it was stupid. A brawl was about to break out on the golf course and for me this was great! I thought golf was going to be boring but it was turning out to be superb! We were getting ready to head over when we saw them break up and the older fellas came back behind us. We made our shots and moved toward the 17th hole. We had decided to move fast and made our crappy shots and moved to the final hole.
Geddy had taken his shot and the two old guys, who I will name Munch and Chip, were at the 17th.
“Way to go A-hole”, yelled Munch.
Both Geddy and I turned around to see the angry smug look of Munch and Chip.
“Yeah we’re talking to you, the both of you”, said Chip.
“WTF is your problem man?”, asked Geddy.
Munch and Chip stood there for a moment and then turned around. Geddy and I got into our cart and started to take off when Munch and Chip pulled up and nailed the back of our cart. It was on and as we got out of the cart I pulled out one of my clubs.
“WTF is your problem?”, Geddy asked again.
“You know what you did!”, yelled Munch.
I stood there waiting for a swing. Just one swing is all it would take.
“You screwed up our game by doing what you did you jerks! We have been behind you guys this whole time and all you have done is goof off.”
Apparently Chip thought we had purposely put the wiffel ball that is attached to the flag pole down in order to block their ball from going in. This was not so, I still have no idea how it fell but it had not been us. At one point during the argument, Munch asked if we wanted to fight. Now these guys were in their mid to late 50’s. Their skin was also that of GCR and hanging to places unknown. We were in our late 20’s and we would have destroyed them but in the end they decided to walk away and they apologized. We were finally at the 18th hole and I was nervous about my last shot. I took a few practice swings and when I was comfortable I let it rip. I nailed it good but it went off to the right. I yelled, “Fore!” and watched in slow motion as it made its way to a couple who were making their shots. A girl, who I will call Lucky, had not heard me yell. My eyes popped wide open as Lucky was clocked on the side of her face. The sound of the ball hitting her chin was massive and she grabbed her face and belted out,
“You have got to be F’n kidding me!”
I gasped and yelled out that I was sorry. The guys in my group laughed and Lucky was yelling at her boyfriend to say something to us. He glanced over at us, looked at Lucky and shook his head no. What a day it had been. My first time golfing was an event I will never forget. From the golf cart riding to GCR and Munch and Chip wanting to fight to Lucky getting clocked in the face, it had been a good run. In the end though, we were banned from the golf course. Apparently Lucky had the clubhouse phone number programmed in her phone and she called up to complain. It didn’t matter though, we had fun and no one got hurt…well except for Lucky. If you are ever out on the golf course and you hear “Fore” you need to pay attention because it might be me out there driving one into your face. Anyone want to golf?