There have been a lot of funny moments in my life. One I can remember is when I had my first ride along in Michigan. The officer and I didn’t know each other that well so there was only small talk at first. After a while we got our first call of the night. It was a breaking and entering call that was not in progress and we headed off.
When we arrived the owner of the home was standing out front and waiting to greet the officer. I stayed in the car but I rolled the window down so that I could hear what had happened. From what I could hear his back door had been kicked in and a few things were missing. He believed it was his brother because he had recently found out that his wife and his brother were having an affair. After the report was taken we left to have lunch with a few other officers. We had not been there too long when a tone came over the radio and there was a disturbance at the house we were just at. We ran out of the food joint and jumped into the cruiser. I had been hoping that we would get a high priority complaint so that we could haul ass with lights and sirens. We took off and ramped onto the highway going balls to the wall. I remember thinking, “There is no oh shit grip so shift your weight damn it”.
The ride was badass and when we pulled up to the house there was a man outside by the front door and a female wearing only a sports bra and khaki shorts. The officer was walking up to the door and the female pulled the man inside and tried to slam the door on the officer. He caught the door before she could close it and was able to get the man out. As he brought him toward the cruiser I thought the officer should be wearing gloves because both of these people looked pretty messed up. They were dirty, nasty, and appeared to have just finished a session of the horizontal Mambo. When the officer got to the cruiser with him, he cuffed him for his own safety and put him in the car. As he was cuffing him though, I noticed that the man started to cry and out of right corner of my eye I saw the owner walking up the driveway and they looked similar. This fool that was crying was actually the brother.
He was crying hard and sitting right in back of me. I wanted to laugh so badly but I held it in. The owner of the house came around the car and started yelling.
“That’s right bitch! You’re done! You wait until I catch you on the street bitch!”
It was on and I turned to give my full attention. The brother yelled back in a rage and spit flew from his mouth and onto the window.
“Fuck you man! I’ve been fucking your wife and she’s my bitch now! We’re not brothers anymore!”
I turned around and laughed into my arm. I couldn’t help it, and all I could hear were the chants of “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry”. As I laughed the brother in the car with me started kicking the seat. He then slammed his head against the separator and cried even harder. After his own beating he spoke to me.
“Hey man…Hey man!”
“What do you want”, I asked.
“Can you let me out?”
I stayed silent and he continued to try to let himself out with no luck. After being there for an hour or so we headed to jail with this crying fool. On top of numerous charges he added a charge that was due to blowing a .20. If you don’t know this is pretty bad. Blowing a .08 means that you are legally drunk so this guy was pretty messed up. On the way to jail the man started yelling at us. It was the funniest thing to hear him yell at us for his own mistakes.
“Hey guy! Fuck you and this cop! You think you’re all big and bad huh? You think you’re good? Well you’re the fucking best that we have man. THE FUCKING BEST! YOU HEAR ME? THE BESSSSTTTT!”
What can one do in a situation like this? I mean you can’t yell or swear back right? The only thing left is to hit them with some charm, a smile, and a little humor. The officer turned the mirror a little so that the man could see him and said,
“Hey! Settle down all right man? And don’t call us the best. You have to do something really spectacular to be the best. I’d say we’re top three.”
The guy just sat there after that. I guess the officer made a good point and it was enough to shut him up until we pulled up to the jail.
“Yeah you guys are real good huh? You always get your man, your good.”
“Hey, I thought you said we were the best? How could we have gone from the best to good that quick?”
“Fuck you man!”
The officer got him out of the car and the guy started crying and hard. His mouth was wide open and no sound came out. It was one of those baby moments where they are crying so hard that you have to blow in their face to make them gasp and start crying again. We walked in and the guy stood in front of a couple cells that held the drunks. They starred in their drunkenness and laughed and made fun of him. It was a sad sight and what made it even sadder was that I did not have a beverage and popcorn to watch the rest. It was a great night and a grand experience. Every time I see a crying man I think of that guy who cried in jail and swore at the officer and I.
“YOU’RE THE BEST!!!!”
Yes sir we are and that’s how we roll.